In an effort to add more content to the website, I did some digging through my C: Drive and came across some completely pointless “articles” I wrote over the years that I intended to submit to @PostGradProblems, ClickHole, and other websites that I wanted to contribute to and never did. The following is one of those pointless posts on a played out topic.


Resume E-Card

 

Anyone who’s ever applied for a job has gone through the trials of writing a resume and filling it full of words that you rarely use in everyday conversation. Why do we do this? Generally our first impression to a potential employer is a piece of paper without a face to match it to. (Unless you send in a headshot for a modeling/acting gig, but let’s be real, getting 20 likes on a heavy filtered Instagram photo is the closest you’ll ever be to an actual model.)

When someone asks what you do for a living how do you typically respond?

PERSON: What do you do for a living?

YOU: I work at ____________________

PERSON:  Cool OR How do you like it? OR I’ve never heard of them

YOU: Yeah, it’s just while I’m in school OR It pays the bills OR It sucks, I hate the customers who come in and hope they get Lupus

While working in a restaurant if people asked what I did there my canned was:

“I sling drinks and deliver pasta to people who barely fit in booths, while pretending more bread is on its way and asking if they want dessert, all while maintaining the fakest smile I can muster”.

This is how you would like to answer in an interview or write on your resume but there’s a slim chance you’ll end up with a job offer or even the courtesy phone call that you didn’t get the position. Which brings us to how most resumes look vs. how they would actually look if we could give them the real talk with examples from entry level jobs.

PROPER RESUME
January 2014 – Current                                  Generic Retail Store
Retail Associate

  • Assisted customers with all of their shopping needs
  • Demonstrated excellent customer service
  • Applied extreme attention to detail when shelving/folding merchandise
  • Exceeded department standards on monthly basis
  • Awarded employee of the month for March 2014

REAL LIFE RESUME
January 2014 – Current                                  Generic Retail Store
Sales Jockey

  • Attempted to avoid eye contact with all customers
  • Expertly checked social media without manager or customers finding out
  • Occasionally fixed merchandise display customers continually disrupted
  • Alerted other employees when attractive customers entered
  • Awarded 2 speeding tickets trying to arrive on time without getting written up…again

PROPER RESUME
February 2013 – January 2014                     Local Chain Restaurant
Server

  • Thoroughly explained daily specials and happy hour deals to customers
  • Up-sold customers to higher priced menu items exceeding restaurant standards
  • Ensured all customers enjoyed an amazing dining experience
  • Built trusting relationships with customers for repeated business
  • Trained new employees for superb food service and menu knowledge

REAL LIFE RESUME
February 2013 – January 2014                     Local Chain Restaurant
Food Troll

  • Explained happy hour to customers 3 different times failing to sell any alcohol
  • Continually fetched bread/chips/water for cheap customers
  • Attempted to maintain a positive demeanor when the low tipping regulars/foreigners/large parties with children were sat in my section
  • Showed new employees how to cut corners and devoured that free meal for training them
  • Guzzled enough sweet tea and Coke/Pepsi products to become an early diabetic

PROPER RESUME
July 2012 – February 2013                             Failing Business Inc.
Administrative Assistant

  • Answered all incoming calls and transferred them to appropriate extension
  • Replied to emails with extreme promptness
  • Prepared conference rooms for company meetings
  • Delivered detailed memos to executives for urgent matters
  • Utilized improved filing system for financial records

REAL LIFE RESUME          
July 2012 – February 2013                             Failing Business Inc.
Associate Clown Ass

  • Answered the phone and repeatedly told callers they had the wrong number for the nail salon
  • Made copies of paperwork only to throw them in the trash the next day
  • Listened to “Karen” complain about “Jerry” EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
  • Avoided a panic attack when you clogged office toilet on your 2nd day
  • Failed to concoct a believable story to IT when they asked why your browser searches were always in Incognito Mode

As you can see, there’s not a single company out there that would hire you if you actually put down what you really did. While it’s a shame that some people may have never written out their resume, at least now you know what NOT to put on it. Hopefully the day will come that you’re no longer sending resumes into the black hole of online applications and actually meeting the person you’ll be working for face to face.  Unfortunately until that day arrives, you’ll have build yourself up on paper to be someone who you think a company may want. Just remember how to speak the lingo and fluff it up a bit:

A Trash Collector you say? Nope, I’m a Sanitation Specialist.

So you used to work as a pet groomer? No, I was a Domestic Canine AND Feline Stylist.

Sorry, it seems your background check turned up an arrest record with 2 attempted robberies. Oh, you must be referring to my past position as a Semi-Professional Opportunist?